I look back on my past self and in some cases, I feel embarrassed but also sad.
Back then, I was struggling with a lot that I did not quite understand. In addition to me not understanding my issues, my host families and the people around me didn't understand either. I am now diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder/ADHD/Depression and have gone through a lot of therapy and taken medication.
I am way more stable emotionally now, I am less impulsive and my thoughts are clearer. But I still get emotional, I still cry when I don't even know why.
My exchange to Germany in 2015 was the most amazing experiences I have had, I don't regret it at all and I sometimes wish to go back.
Looking back, it makes so much sense why I was feeling the way I was - what a huge change for someone to take on, whether they are a teenager or not. I wish I did take different actions to things. But I also wish others took different actions as well.
Even though it was quick, I fell for someone then lost them within a month - not only did it make me feel foolish but I felt so alone and isolated for months after.
Even though I could have behaved better, I was constantly being shamed and bullied by people I mostly hung with in my town. For my physical appearance, my mental health and for my skills in speaking German. No matter what they would say now to explain it, it was not fair.
Even though I thought perhaps I have mental health issues, going on exchange and the environment around mental health was incredibly difficult to navigate and I faced a tonne of stigma. Sure, I did receive help and some kindness from the adults, but others around me were not kind.
Additionally, going back into a high school was the worst idea - throwing myself back into gossip, harsh teachers and with the added "benefit" of a language barrier.
My exchange made me who I am today and I am grateful for that - even when I felt traumatised by it.
Let it go on record that society in 2015 had a tonne of stigma towards mental health issues and I am so glad that the stigma is decreasing over time. My exchange was so difficult and I wish I made different decisions when on it, but I am also respectful to my old self as I was tackling a time where I did not understand what I was feeling and going through.
It was a mixture of cultures and languages where anything would be heightened, made extreme. I forever have respect for anyone who migrates to a new country, especially one without your mother tongue.
